World’s Fastest Humans Crowned

SYDNEY (BP) – Marion Jones and Maurice Greene have been crowned “World’s Fastest Humans” in a special ceremony following their gold medal-winning performances last night at Stadium Australia.

The two speedsters were crowned by self-proclaimed “Speed King” Robert Downey, Jr.

“It’s been my dream to be fastest woman alive for 19 years, and finally it’s here,” said a sobbing Jones, who hopes to also become a member of “World’s Fastest Four Women” and “World’s Longest Jumper” later this week.

Jones had just completed a joyous, playful lap around the Olympic Stadium, waving small U.S. and Belize flags, when Greene sped to his gold medal with a time of 9.87 seconds. He then threw a shoe into the crowd, inciting a major riot in which 400 fans lost their lives.

Greene was unaware of the gesture’s significance to the Aborigines, who consider the gesture to communicate, “Here is a shoe. Your mother smells considerably like it. Additionally, I consider your company distasteful.”

Greene wrapped his head in his hands after crossing the finish line, presumably to protect himself from the barrage of batteries and camera lenses.

Jones and Greene take the titles of “World’s Fastest Humans” from Heidi Fleiss and Charlie Sheen.

Author: bubbaprog

The man behind Mocksession since 1999. Formerly of Deadspin and The Daily Beast.